Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Houghton Piker Dies at 77

Houghton Piker, Founder of Asinine Poetry, Dies at 77
By UPTOWN SINCLAIR, reprinted from the NEW YORK TIMES without permission
Published: December 14, 2009

Houghton Piker, the prolific and populist poet who founded Asinine Poetry, a literary journal that carved out and fiercely held on to a deservedly ignored niche of verse, died in Brooklyn on Monday. He was 77.

A long-time sufferer of anusitis, Piker was enjoying a brief convalescence when he went out to shop for materials to make crab cakes and was hit by a bus.

“Did beauty kill the beast? No, twas, the B61 doing 55,” said longtime colleague Richard Cairo, one of the editors of AsininePoetry.com. Cairo added, “At least we can say he beat the big itch. It didn’t beat him.”

Said Catty Marlboro, news editor at AsininePoetry.com, “There were a lot of celebrity deaths this year, and Piker could never resist being in on a trend. Except for pants-wearing. That never caught on with him.”

Indeed, it was one of Mr. Piker’s final requests that he be cremated sans trousers.

Mr. Piker (whose first name, he once wrote Ms. Marlboro, was pronounced, “Not ‘WHOO-ten,’ but rather ‘HOAT-en,’ stressing ‘HOAT,’ which rhymes with ‘boat,’ with an unreleased ‘t,’ followed by unstressed ‘n,’”) was an old-fashioned man of letters — writer, editor, publisher, teacher, boozer, and cad — with a wide range of knowledge and interests. He was a busy glancer at of publications from The New York Review of Books to OK!, and he is said to have even finished reading entire articles.

His own works were ambitious and idiosyncratic, addressing such topics as Christian myths, bestiality, and cross-dressing. He wrote about Jesus Christ and St. Valentine, but also Michael Jackson and Martha Stewart. He wrote admiringly of Jenna Jameson, Soupy Sales, and himself, finding in all of them a motivating sense of joy that made their otherwise disparate work comparably brilliant.

His self-published books included the collection of essays, In Stultos Versus, composed entirely on toilet paper, which argued that artistic creativity is a performance, a self-aware exercise of self-expression in which artists should attempt to liberate themselves from the cultural, moral, political, and psychological strictures of the expectations of other artists; and critical studies of Allan Sherman, Mort Sahl, and Tom Lehrer, which placed them at the forefront of American comedy, albeit for only several seconds.

“At its best,” Mr. Piker wrote of Tom Lehrer, “his writing exemplifies the kind of effort that can and needs to be made by anyone who proposes to make more than submissive sense of the world as it now is. And he’s a pisser.”

Mr. Piker, who was a longtime attendee of gratis events with free food at university campuses, founded the journal of asinine poetry in 1994.The zine evolved into a chapbook series, which evolved into a website. Altogether, the journal is an attempt — unsuccessful, by most standards — to engage both “poetry LUVers and h8ers “in a convo re: hi + lo culture,” Piker wrote in a recent Tweet.

“He really believed that literature was something that could be accomplished in the shower,” said a Facebook friend, the poet Finnerton Deerfield. “He believed you could be playful and carefree and still come up with something of value. What a moron. Although a charming one with quite the liver.”

In the online journal’s pages can be found the poetry of Hal Sirowitz, Daniel Thomas Moran, and Albert Van Hoogmoed, among many others, as well as the work of the many obscure essayists and complete unknowns, including gender-studies theorist Stoney Emshwiller, literary critic Colonel Drunky Bob, and J.C., who would really rather not be labeled.

“He represented the most insignificant and useless wing of poetic endeavors of his generation and perhaps every other’s,” said U.S. Poet Laureate Kay Ryan, whose work has been rejected 752 times by AsininePoetry.com.

Houghton Asininus Piker was born in Gloucester, Mass., on July 1, 1932, into a poor “totally non-literary family,” he recalled in an interview with the Rutgers literary magazine Guttalk. His father was a fisherman, his mother a ventriloquist. After high school, he joined the Army and served in Iceland during the Korea War. Afterward, on the G.I. bill, he went to Amherst, where Robert Frost was an influential presence, giving Piker tips on local horse races. He subsequently earned an M.A. at Yale, spent time at Cambridge on a Fulbright fellowship and was awarded a Ph.D. at Harvard in 1960.

Piker repeatedly claimed to have been born in 1962. “We knew he was a bit older than he said he was,” said Marlboro. “With all the ‘23-skidoo’ references.”

Before founding Asinine Poetry, Mr. Piker was an editor of Crème de Gruyere Review, an avid foot wrestler, and he also edited anthologies, as well as several editions of Spectra.

Mr. Piker had apparently left behind plans for a complete overhaul of the AsininePoetry.com website. Editors of the journal have been reticent to comment. But Marloro did note that Piker left one last poem to be inscribed on his tombstone: “You may’ve love me,/and I may’ve love you/But all I’ve ever wanted/Was a quiet place to poo.”

He is survived by his wife, Martha, his older brother, Neap, a daughter, goth poet Creeley Merlot Piker, the result of a torrid affair with exotic entertainer and dealer-in-antiquities Juniper ''Legs'' McCorkindale, and possibly one illegitimate son, salesman Houghton Auspicious Piker, Jr., who claims to have been fathered by Piker when the poet visited Saturn in the 31st century.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Dave Letterman Is Such a Stud Muffin

10. Nothing fascinates the ladies more than a man in a double-breasted jacket and white socks.
9. That gap tooth smile is irresistible.
8. Having a nationally syndicated talk show is kinda hot.
7. Johnny Carson taught him everything he knows.
6. Madonna wants him.
5. Drew Barrymore wants him.
4. Bizarre wit, massive ego, and a stifling sense of ennui are his Spanish Fly.
3. The way he smokes that cigar.
2. He's got a car.
1. He's got Paul as a wingman.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Water on Da Moon!

WATER ON THE MOON!!
(Thanks to the Police)
by Richard Cairo

Giant gulps are what you take
Water on the moon
I hope my mug don’t break
Water on the moon
We could drink forever
Water on the moon
Make more Tang together
Water on, water on the moon

Swimming in a crater
Water on the moon
A moat around the moonbase
Water on the moon
A rink that you can skate upon
Water on the moon
See the stars reflected on
Water on, water on the moon

Some have said
We can build a Moon Club Med
And with the Sun above your head, they said
Swing with the alien in red, you said
In a big waterbed!

Should this be uploaded to AsininePoetry.com in the next issue? What do YOU think?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Michael Vick Does Tricks

Killer in the End Zone
For Michael Vick
(To the tune of “Doggie in the Window”)

How much is that killer in the end zone?
The one who just got out of jail.
How much is that killer in the end zone?
I’d call him a big justice FAIL

I just made a trip to Philadelphia
And saw that dog-killer playing
If he were his dog, he’d be shot now
Or fighting for his life in a ring

I read in the paper he had herpes
And now he is choking with debts
The NFL is not known for its mercy
They treat their own players like pets

The NFL doesn’t want to fix Vick
They don’t want to make him go heel
They just want to sell football tickets
And bad PR’s just as good for the deal

How much is that killer in the end zone?
The one who just got out of jail.
How much is that killer in the end zone?
I’d call him a big justice FAIL

Under consideration for the next issue

Friday, August 14, 2009

Asinine Poetry Prose Contest Results!

FIRST PRIZE ''The Scourge of Unlawful Infants'' by Stoney Emshwiller
SECOND PRIZE ''A Woman and Her Secrets'' by Ed Kornfeld
THIRD PRIZE ''Tie Goes to the Dog'' by Dustin Michael

And our runners up!
''Letter from My Girlfriend Who Works in Marketing'' by Steve Blackburn
''Corporate Gag Gift'' by Marybeth Niederkorn
''On Cell Phones on Queues'' by V.S. Frimmit
''World's Number One Bukowski Fan'' by David Ochs
''For the Love of Neurotics'' by Daniel Thomas Moran
''What Brought This On?'' by Gerald So
''For the Love of Neurotics'' by Daniel Thomas Moran
''The Chupacabra's Charming Roadside Cuchifrito Cafe'' by Raul Chuletas

http://www.asininepoetry.com/contest/13

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Hot August Asininity

* NEW poems for August 2009--

"Bring Me a Coldie, Obama" by Richard Cairo
"Aqui in Heaven" by Raul Chuletas
"Tour de Farce" by Dana Esau Larsen
"Thank You for Your Gift to Mizzou" by Katharine Showalter
"Schtupping the Chupacabra" by Jessica L. Kleinman
"My Dog's Getting Older" by Albert Van Hoogmoed
"beta carotene" by Stephen Kopel
"The Sea" by Christian Ward
"Has Anyone Seen My Meds?" by Ryan Quinn Flanagan
"Alarm Clock Melody" by Heather L. Green aka the Dark One

http://www.asininepoetry.com/

* Winners from our Asinine Prose contest announced next month!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Obama Makes a Beer Run

BRING ME A COLDIE, OBAMA
by Richard Cairo

Bring me a coldie, Obama
We’ve had enough of this drama
Screw race and screw class
They’re a pain in the ass
Hey, let’s fly Air Force One to Bahama!

Let’s have that beer now, Obama
Congress is a lame pack of llamas
If they won’t go for health care
Let’s give them a real scare
And put IEDs in their pajamas

Pour me a coldie, Obama
Let’s drink a toast to your mama
The world’s at your command
With beer bottle in hand
After this, then we’ll go get Osama

This ditty will go up in the next issue. The whole thing makes me wonder why Obama chooses such a middle-brow beer — is it because of some poll? Also, after a couple of Buds, will he be able to resist lighting up a Marlboro?