Hot August Asininity

* NEW poems for August 2009--

"Bring Me a Coldie, Obama" by Richard Cairo
"Aqui in Heaven" by Raul Chuletas
"Tour de Farce" by Dana Esau Larsen
"Thank You for Your Gift to Mizzou" by Katharine Showalter
"Schtupping the Chupacabra" by Jessica L. Kleinman
"My Dog's Getting Older" by Albert Van Hoogmoed
"beta carotene" by Stephen Kopel
"The Sea" by Christian Ward
"Has Anyone Seen My Meds?" by Ryan Quinn Flanagan
"Alarm Clock Melody" by Heather L. Green aka the Dark One

http://www.asininepoetry.com/

* Winners from our Asinine Prose contest announced next month!

Shatner Reads Palin Speech as Poem

On the Passing of Gidget, the Taco Bell Dog

AQUI IN HEAVEN
For the Taco Bell Dog--
(apologies to Eric Clapton)

Yo quiero Taco Bell
Even more now in heaven
Would it be the same
If Taco Bell was in heaven
I must not bark, but carry on
‘Cause I can’t find Taco Bell
Aqui in heaven

I would love to see
The Fresco menu in heaven
I would risk rabies
for chalupas in heaven
I'll smell my way, through night and day
‘Cause there must be some Taco Bell
Aqui in heaven

Death can make me beg
Death can dull my bling
Death’s not a la carte
Has me shivering
Shiverrrrring

Debajo las nubes
There's cinnamon twists I'm sure.
But I guess there’s no Taco Bell
Aqui in heaven

Yo quiero Taco Bell
Even more now in heaven
Would it be the same
If Taco Bell was in heaven
I must not bark, but carry on
‘Cause I can’t find Taco Bell
Aqui in heaven

Snow Misered!

Gentes perezosasosas!Donde estabas?! Dormiendo! Roncando!Mira eso!Welllll, we stalwart woke up, all ready for the live readingwe'd scheduled months ago and have been looking forward to eagerly eagerly eagerly, woke up and looked out the window and there saw a giant puffy white blanket covering the City, and so we thought, What a loverly piece of timing.What the hell?!So I, dutiful editor, called up one of our peons, I forget his name and told him to trudge downtown, carrying big bagof Asinine Love Poetry books and an Asinine Cupid throw pillow to sell, just in case. "Go to the reading, " I told him, "just in case anyone is crazy enough to show up." It was a quiet City, he later reported, white canyons, with cleared valleys, and so he walked in the powder-lined streets to the Bowery Poetry Club. Friends came from close by and miles away. And more amazing than anything, Marybeth Niederkorn and her spouse extraordinaire show, having flown in from Cape Girardeau, Missouri. For this! For asinine! That is bravery! That is dedication! But you, oh now you were less than 15 miles away, home, sleeping late. Oh the subways were running slow! Oh, it was so hard to pull on boots! Such a pain! Hey, Niederkorn booked a flight, lost two lighters to Homeland Security, and worried about her poor cat being watched over by some strange lady whose name sounds like a human-cat hybrid. You know what I'm talking about! So the crowd was small, about five people,but it was good fun, the four readers going in turns as the peon emceed. Sold no books! So we docked his pay. Then the poets went next door and thought about beating upthese other poets they saw, but then they just got drunk. So, we'll try to reschedule for warmer weather, but no promises! And thanks much to the Niederkorn!

Earth to Asinine, Earth to Asinine

Here's a cliche: Wow, we haven't really been very good in keeping up our bloggery. How many bloggers write about not keep their blog content fresh? Scientifically speaking, I'd say 87 percent. But that's just from asking two people on the subway (one of whom was dressed as an Irish setter), so there's a margin of error of plus or minus three percent. But enough about me. How about the new contest? Haikus! We at the asinine offices are hoping that the perceived simplicity of this poetic form will drive up the amount of entries. Of course, at the same time we fear it will drive up the amount of bad entries. And haikus can be very very bad. And not funny. If you're looking for any guidance, just please make it funny, and make that last line really a kicker, an ironic or twisty 5 or 7 syllables (the 5-7-5 structure of the haiku may be shuffled around all you like--e.g., 7-5-5, 5-5-7) that sings, takes off, goes someplace perfectly fitting but perfectly unexpected. Either that or go for a fart joke.

Hallowe'ening

So, our contest is done and now we're back on a schnide of new poems. Usually it's a small vacation for us at the office when the contest results are running, but this time it didn't feel like it, at least not for me. These last three weeks have flown by and sure we've stocked up one some poems (so, watch out, when we have surplus we get real picky; and it's been happening more and more; in the early days, we all gathered around the computer waiting for something anything to come into our inboxes; we clicked everything open; which is why it took three years to clear all the viruses off our computers; now if I could just do something about these mouth sores; I hear there's an all-natural cure for herpes; anyone out there know it?) Now we're into the main holiday stretch of the year, and Halloween, the first of these, is my favorite. We've had some excellent 'alloween poems over the years (check out the four classics on the bottom of the home page). We're waiting to get some new ones now. We have one or two that are pretty good. I better write one. You got any?

RIP, Nipsey

Comedian, actor, POET Nipsey Russell died this Sunday at Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan. He was 80 and lived in Manhattan (damn, if we knew he was nearby we would have invited him to our readings! damn!). Russell is one of several celebs from the '60s-'70s era of TV who passed away recently (I suspect government conspiracy, or a new reality show by Mark Burnett), and his passing in particular marks another loss in terms of class and classic and smart humor. Russell brought poetry to the masses. No doubt he will never get props from the likes of highbrows such as John Ashbery or Rita Dove or Sharon Olds, but his poetry reached more people and entertained more people than all of them put together.

When we started our site, we linked to Nipsey Russell's Funky Palace, and we've always lamented the fact that the site (which may be his official site--who knows?? there is no nipseyrussell.com) featured very few Russell poems. But fortunately some of his obits have included some of the master's chestnuts:

"Before we lose our autonomy
And our economy crumbles into dust
We should attack Japan, lose the war
And let Japan take care of us."

Another:
"The opposite of pro is con
That fact is clearly seen
If progress means move forward
Then what does Congress mean"

In 1993 Russell told the Los Angeles Times that writing poems ''is very simple to do.... I start with the joke line and write backward.''

On that note, I've tried a meager eulogy:
Nipsey Russell is dead and gone
he's rhymed for the last time
but we will always give you props
you are a god of asinine